Perfectly Painless
by Ellie Lildat
Summary: A disturbing trip into the depressed mind of Buffy.


Author: Ellie Lildat  
Disclaimer: Are you kidding me?  
Summary: A disturbing trip into the depressed mind of Buffy  
Rating: R  
AN: No ship this time, just EXTREMELY DISTURBING POV. I'm not being sarcastic here, this is deep and dark. I made an attempt at trying to get into a highly depressed mind and this IS what it's like for many, many people who are clinically depressed. I wrote it in a hurry because I didn't like going into this mind a lot. And this will be unnerving to some people... all depends on my portrayal. I just felt like I had to get this out.  
  
  
Title: **Perfectly Painless  
**  
  
No pain. That's what I feel and how I'll feel forever now, without pain. Such and easy way to live, not letting anything sting, not letting anything bother you... it makes other people happy. And that's what important in life, to make other people happy... or if not that, make them think their happy.   
  
To show no pain, is the closest thing to being invincible... to have no pain is better. It must be how all those slayer lived for years, not letting anyone get closed to them and not talking to anyone but there slayers. That's how Kendra was... until she met me, and died because the effect I had on her.   
  
But I'm not that girl that Kendra met, she's long gone... disappeared a short time after Kendra died...and Angel. But I don't feel pain, and that means that I don't feel what she felt for Angel. He left, not for my own good, but for himself... because I wasn't the girl he knew, I wasn't right. But now I'm perfect.  
  
Willow's not perfect, though. She'll get better soon, I'm sure. I'm perfect, and that'll make her better. Being perfect and not letting anyone get near you, it's the best way to be. You learn what's going on with other people, and you realize that you don't care.  
  
Xander and Anya are engaged, he purposed before I died, but didn't think he could tell me until Halloween. He's not my Xander anymore, not the fun friend I could always rely on when nothing was going on. He doesn't like me as much as he loves Anya. He doesn't care about what I feel or what's happening to me, just him and his precious Anya matter. But it doesn't matter since I'm perfect.  
  
Giles is gone, he left just like Angel did. Because he hates me, doesn't like seeing me the way I am. I'm not the same girl that came to Sunnydale five years ago, and he doesn't like me this way. He told me so, just as Angel did. They'd rather be with imperfect people in glamorous cities than with me. And that's fine since I'm perfect. He'll realize soon that he no matter how much he didn't like me, he has to come back to take care of everyone else.  
  
Spike hates me, and I'm used to that. He wishes he could hurt me, but forgets that I'm too perfect to touch. He yells, hits, smirks, and makes comments that should be painful... but nothing gets to me. And that makes him hate me even more, so he stays around and then fucks me like there's no tomorrow. He burns his cigarette butts in my arms and makes me bleed between my legs. He'll never hurt me though, like he tries to when he softens and tries to get through to me with his soft voice. But he doesn't, and I wouldn't care if he did. He's nothing to me and doesn't matter in the long run.  
  
Everyday I wake up, I pause and prepare myself for their stares. I know they do it, look at me odd and talk behind my back. Nobody likes me anymore, and they're all thinking of ways to make me more miserable. Like they could top bringing me here?  
  
I know they took my money so I would be even worse off than before, they didn't hide the fact very well. And it isn't hard to realize that they liked that perky robot a lot more than perfect me. I know Xander rigged the piping over the summer so it would break once I was back, and I know that Angel's son was born just to tease me. Nobody thinks I notice these things, and everyone forgets that I'm not a moron and that I'm perfect.  
  
I am perfect, and they have to stop trying to prove me wrong.  
  
I'M PERFECT!  
  
The End.


End file.
